Darkness Into Light

by Eleanor Dattani

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1.
My heart is full of anger My head is full of hate My soul is full of anguish I’m growing up too late Why did this happen I’m not a bad person What was I thinking In the dark Why did I listen I should have known better Why did I let myself Carry on The pain is consuming I cannot bear this fate I want to get better but I’m Growing up too late Why did that happen We did not deserve this What was I doing to those I loved Why did I suffer With pride like a martyr How could you let me Carry on I’ve bene to the bottom And now I have to wait For courage to find me for I’ve grown up too late I’ve grown up too late I’ve grown up too late
2.
01:44
I’m going to grow love in my heart Bigger and bigger and bigger For you deserve a mother who loves Deeper and deeper and deeper I’m sorry I didn’t look after myself I’m sorry I made the wrong call I’m sorry my ego made us both suffer I’m sorry for it all I’m going to make peace in my heart Flower and flower and flower For you deserve a mother who can Be there and be there and be there I’m sorry you had such a rough introduction I’m sorry I’ve not been around I’m sorry I got myself into a mess and I’m sorry for the sadness you found I’m going to grow trust in myself Truer and truer and truer For you deserve a mother who grows Stronger and stronger and stronger Thank you for smiling despite all the pain Thank you for making me see Thank you for showing me where I went wrong Thank you for helping me be Thank you for helping me be Thank you for helping me be Thank you for helping me be
3.
02:18
My bird has not learnt how to fly To eagerly spread both his wings My bird has been worried and tense For I’ve been focusing on the wrong things My bird has not had space to grow To laugh and to play and to sing My bird has been frightened and scared For I’ve been focusing on the wrong things I want to heal together Through laughter and play and love I want to find peace together And soar in the skies up above My bird I’m so sorry and sad For the darkness and all that it brings I wish I had built a safe nest But I’d been focusing on the wrong things We can heal together Through laughter and play and love We will find peace together And soar in the skies up above For now I can see the sun Catch a glimpse of the rays in the sky I know what I have to do now To make sure that my bird learns to fly For now I can see the sun Catch a glimpse of the rays in the sky I know what I have to do now To make sure that my bird learns to fly To make sure that my bird learns to fly Fly, Fly, Fly
4.
What was right for you Might not be right for me I’m not the same as you You’re not the same as be Our bodies are not the same Our minds are not the same Our hearts are not the same Our truths are not the same Please don’t try to fix me Don’t treat me like a fool The problems I encountered Needed completely different tools Our memories are different We see things differently For what happened to you Did not happen to me For what happened to you Did not happen to me
5.
01:53
I will make life bright for you I will make life right for you I will make life kind for you For I’m making up lost time I will act with kindness Lighting up the darkness I won’t act with blindness For I’m making up lost time Every moment is precious The chance to do something kind Every moment is precious The change to do something right I will learn to guide you Through the dark inside you I will be more wise for you For I’m making up lost time Every moment is precious The chance to do something kind Every moment is precious The change to do something right I will learn to guide us Through the dark inside us I will be more wise for us For I’m making up lost time
6.
It’s easy to love when everything’s bright The sunshine pours in and bathes us in light And everything’s tidy in our home and in our minds but Can you still love when life turns out the light It’s easy to sing when everything’s clear Your head and your heart is all hope and no fear You’ve got lots of friends and a decent career but Can you still sing when despair is so near It’s easy to dance when your mind is at peace Your whole body flows with a gentle release The music is healing That’s just how life feels but Can you still dance when you’re gripped by this fear It’s easy to play when everything’s fun You’re just in the flow and the laughing’s begun Imagination has the freedom to run but Can you still play when the tears start to come
7.
I’ve learnt this lesson before I can’t believe I’m here again I’d make life feel effortless Like a game and not a chore I’ve learnt this lesson before I’ve learnt this lesson before I blindly walked into a trap Of my own making I pushed open the door I’ve learnt this lesson before I’ve learnt this lesson so many times before Pretending that I’m someone else So terrified and full of fear So deeply insecure I’ve learnt this lesson before I’ve learnt this lesson before Living an authentic life Being my own person Not blaming anymore I’ve learnt this lesson before
8.
My roots run deep Some strong some weak But slowly I see New shoots of green A smile, a laugh A moment of peace I’m going to turn over a brand new leaf I choose life To battle the strife To put on my armour and fight the good fight Energy and strength And doing what’s right I’m going to retrain my stubborn mind Won’t look back I’ll only fall Into the abyss I know too well I’ll grow t’ward the light The future’s in sight Open up my wings and finally take flight I’ve got to keep moving, moving on Even when everything feels so wrong Though I wish I could, I can’t change what’s gone But I can change the ending of this song
9.
Needing reassurance But there’s nothing they can say To take this pain away It’s buried in my heart Seeking consolation But there’s nothing they can do To make the truth less true It’s buried in my heart I wish I could bury it In the ground I wish I could hide it away I wish I could bury it In the ground Maybe I can one day Stop myself from ringing Force myself to be A stronger force than me But its still buried in my heart Take my time be gentle But the anger and the pain The regret and burning shame Are still buried in my heart Can I transform the sorrow Can I turn the pain to peace Can I feel a deep release Or is it buried in my heart Will it make me wiser Will it make me grow Into the person that I know I can be in my heart
10.
The space between the open sky Against the raging sea The space between the sunset And the morning breaking free The space between the past and what the future still could be Is the space between who I am And who I want to be Panic taken over me Like a tidal wave Worries taken over me Making me a slave Punishing myself To prove to others I was brave When all I should have cared about Was keeping you safe How can I forgive myself And move on with my life How can I let go of things To make everything right How can I go on And have the strength inside to fight When things could be so different As day is from night
11.
Time to let go now Throw it into the sea Time to let go And let peace come to me I can’t change what’s past But I can change what can be And live joyously with you, your father and me Time to let go now Of the suffering and pain Time to stop punishing And start life again I can’t change what’s past But I can change what can be And live fearlessly with you, your father and me Time to stop judging And feel humility Time to stop longing For what could have been I can’t change what’s past But I can change what can be And live peacefully with you, your father and me Time to be present And greet each new day Time to be wiser And make time to play I can’t change what’s past But I can change what can be And live happily with you, your father and me
12.
I’ve not been raising you You’ve been raising me Into the mother I didn’t know I could be I feel boundless and joyful And dizzy with hope After the storm There came a rainbow Surrounded by love Surrounded by love I am surrounded Surrounded by love I want you to learn The lesson I’ve learned Be kind to yourself You’re already enough And even when life Feels as cold as the night Fear not for the stars Will soon be in sight Surrounded by love Surrounded by love You are surrounded Surrounded by love For as we both grow And deepen our love As we both look To the heavens above We’ll journey together Side by side I’m so excited To be on the ride Surrounded by love Surrounded by love We are surrounded Surrounded by love Surrender to love Surrender to love I have surrendered Surrendered to love

about

"I wrote this album to try and help me to recover from severe post-natal depression and post-natal psychosis. It helped, along with medication, rest and loving support. This album documents my journey from mental illness to mental health, from deep sadness to overwhelming joy and gratitude, from intense darkness to light. For those suffering out there, I want you to know that you will get better, your child loves you, nothing is irredeemable, and what lies for you at the end of this tunnel (which you don’t ever believe will end) is more beautiful than you can ever imagine in your wildest dreams. Don’t give up. You and your child are connected by a love greater than you know and one day you will feel it in every part of your being." Eleanor Dattani

40% of all proceed will be given the charity Acacia (Pre and postnatal depression support services) and Action for Postpartum Psychosis

credits

released April 24, 2020

All songs written and performed by Eleanor Dattani

Recorded on the 7th and 8th of March 2020 in Eleanors living room.
Engineered, mixed, and mastered by Marley Starskey Butler on the Portable Porage Unit.

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Naplew Productions | Discography England, UK

Music released by Naplew Productions.

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