Darkness Into Light

by Eleanor Dattani

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about

"I wrote this album to try and help me to recover from severe post-natal depression and post-natal psychosis. It helped, along with medication, rest and loving support. This album documents my journey from mental illness to mental health, from deep sadness to overwhelming joy and gratitude, from intense darkness to light. For those suffering out there, I want you to know that you will get better, your child loves you, nothing is irredeemable, and what lies for you at the end of this tunnel (which you don’t ever believe will end) is more beautiful than you can ever imagine in your wildest dreams. Don’t give up. You and your child are connected by a love greater than you know and one day you will feel it in every part of your being." Eleanor Dattani

40% of all proceed will be given the charity Acacia (Pre and postnatal depression support services) and Action for Postpartum Psychosis

credits

released April 24, 2020

All songs written and performed by Eleanor Dattani

Recorded on the 7th and 8th of March 2020 in Eleanors living room.
Engineered, mixed, and mastered by Marley Starskey Butler on the Portable Porage Unit.

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Naplew Productions | Discography England, UK

Music released by Naplew Productions.

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Track Name: Growing up Too Late
My heart is full of anger
My head is full of hate
My soul is full of anguish
I’m growing up too late
Why did this happen
I’m not a bad person
What was I thinking
In the dark

Why did I listen
I should have known better
Why did I let myself
Carry on

The pain is consuming
I cannot bear this fate
I want to get better but I’m
Growing up too late

Why did that happen
We did not deserve this
What was I doing to those I loved

Why did I suffer
With pride like a martyr
How could you let me
Carry on

I’ve bene to the bottom
And now I have to wait
For courage to find me for
I’ve grown up too late

I’ve grown up too late
I’ve grown up too late
Track Name: I'm Sorry
I’m going to grow love in my heart
Bigger and bigger and bigger
For you deserve a mother who loves
Deeper and deeper and deeper

I’m sorry I didn’t look after myself
I’m sorry I made the wrong call
I’m sorry my ego made us both suffer
I’m sorry for it all

I’m going to make peace in my heart
Flower and flower and flower
For you deserve a mother who can
Be there and be there and be there

I’m sorry you had such a rough introduction
I’m sorry I’ve not been around
I’m sorry I got myself into a mess and
I’m sorry for the sadness you found

I’m going to grow trust in myself
Truer and truer and truer
For you deserve a mother who grows
Stronger and stronger and stronger

Thank you for smiling despite all the pain
Thank you for making me see
Thank you for showing me where I went wrong
Thank you for helping me be

Thank you for helping me be
Thank you for helping me be
Thank you for helping me be
Track Name: My Bird
My bird has not learnt how to fly
To eagerly spread both his wings
My bird has been worried and tense
For I’ve been focusing on the wrong things

My bird has not had space to grow
To laugh and to play and to sing
My bird has been frightened and scared
For I’ve been focusing on the wrong things

I want to heal together
Through laughter and play and love
I want to find peace together
And soar in the skies up above

My bird I’m so sorry and sad
For the darkness and all that it brings
I wish I had built a safe nest
But I’d been focusing on the wrong things

We can heal together
Through laughter and play and love
We will find peace together
And soar in the skies up above

For now I can see the sun
Catch a glimpse of the rays in the sky
I know what I have to do now
To make sure that my bird learns to fly

For now I can see the sun
Catch a glimpse of the rays in the sky
I know what I have to do now
To make sure that my bird learns to fly
To make sure that my bird learns to fly

Fly, Fly, Fly
Track Name: You Don't Understand
What was right for you
Might not be right for me
I’m not the same as you
You’re not the same as be

Our bodies are not the same
Our minds are not the same
Our hearts are not the same
Our truths are not the same

Please don’t try to fix me
Don’t treat me like a fool
The problems I encountered
Needed completely different tools

Our memories are different
We see things differently
For what happened to you
Did not happen to me

For what happened to you
Did not happen to me
Track Name: Lost Time
I will make life bright for you
I will make life right for you
I will make life kind for you
For I’m making up lost time

I will act with kindness
Lighting up the darkness
I won’t act with blindness
For I’m making up lost time

Every moment is precious
The chance to do something kind
Every moment is precious
The change to do something right

I will learn to guide you
Through the dark inside you
I will be more wise for you
For I’m making up lost time

Every moment is precious
The chance to do something kind
Every moment is precious
The change to do something right

I will learn to guide us
Through the dark inside us
I will be more wise for us
For I’m making up lost time
Track Name: It's Easy When
It’s easy to love when everything’s bright
The sunshine pours in and bathes us in light
And everything’s tidy in our home and in our minds but
Can you still love when life turns out the light

It’s easy to sing when everything’s clear
Your head and your heart is all hope and no fear
You’ve got lots of friends and a decent career but
Can you still sing when despair is so near

It’s easy to dance when your mind is at peace
Your whole body flows with a gentle release
The music is healing
That’s just how life feels but
Can you still dance when you’re gripped by this fear

It’s easy to play when everything’s fun
You’re just in the flow and the laughing’s begun
Imagination has the freedom to run but
Can you still play when the tears start to come
Track Name: I've Learnt This Lesson Before
I’ve learnt this lesson before
I can’t believe I’m here again
I’d make life feel effortless
Like a game and not a chore
I’ve learnt this lesson before

I’ve learnt this lesson before
I blindly walked into a trap
Of my own making
I pushed open the door
I’ve learnt this lesson before

I’ve learnt this lesson so many times before
Pretending that I’m someone else
So terrified and full of fear
So deeply insecure
I’ve learnt this lesson before

I’ve learnt this lesson before
Living an authentic life
Being my own person
Not blaming anymore
I’ve learnt this lesson before
Track Name: I Can Change the Ending of This Song
My roots run deep
Some strong some weak
But slowly I see
New shoots of green
A smile, a laugh
A moment of peace
I’m going to turn over a brand new leaf

I choose life
To battle the strife
To put on my armour and fight the good fight
Energy and strength
And doing what’s right
I’m going to retrain my stubborn mind

Won’t look back
I’ll only fall
Into the abyss I know too well
I’ll grow t’ward the light
The future’s in sight
Open up my wings and finally take flight

I’ve got to keep moving, moving on
Even when everything feels so wrong
Though I wish I could, I can’t change what’s gone
But I can change the ending of this song
Track Name: Buried in My Heart
Needing reassurance
But there’s nothing they can say
To take this pain away
It’s buried in my heart

Seeking consolation
But there’s nothing they can do
To make the truth less true
It’s buried in my heart

I wish I could bury it In the ground
I wish I could hide it away
I wish I could bury it In the ground
Maybe I can one day

Stop myself from ringing
Force myself to be
A stronger force than me
But its still buried in my heart

Take my time be gentle
But the anger and the pain
The regret and burning shame
Are still buried in my heart

Can I transform the sorrow
Can I turn the pain to peace
Can I feel a deep release
Or is it buried in my heart

Will it make me wiser
Will it make me grow
Into the person that I know
I can be in my heart
Track Name: The Spaces Between
The space between the open sky
Against the raging sea
The space between the sunset
And the morning breaking free
The space between the past
and what the future still could be
Is the space between who I am
And who I want to be

Panic taken over me
Like a tidal wave
Worries taken over me
Making me a slave
Punishing myself
To prove to others I was brave
When all I should have cared about
Was keeping you safe

How can I forgive myself
And move on with my life
How can I let go of things
To make everything right
How can I go on
And have the strength inside to fight
When things could be so different
As day is from night
Track Name: Time to Let Go
Time to let go now
Throw it into the sea
Time to let go
And let peace come to me

I can’t change what’s past
But I can change what can be
And live joyously with you, your father and me

Time to let go now
Of the suffering and pain
Time to stop punishing
And start life again

I can’t change what’s past
But I can change what can be
And live fearlessly with you, your father and me

Time to stop judging
And feel humility
Time to stop longing
For what could have been

I can’t change what’s past
But I can change what can be
And live peacefully with you, your father and me

Time to be present
And greet each new day
Time to be wiser
And make time to play

I can’t change what’s past
But I can change what can be
And live happily with you, your father and me
Track Name: Surrounded by Love
I’ve not been raising you
You’ve been raising me
Into the mother
I didn’t know I could be
I feel boundless and joyful
And dizzy with hope
After the storm
There came a rainbow

Surrounded by love
Surrounded by love
I am surrounded
Surrounded by love

I want you to learn
The lesson I’ve learned
Be kind to yourself
You’re already enough
And even when life
Feels as cold as the night
Fear not for the stars
Will soon be in sight

Surrounded by love
Surrounded by love
You are surrounded
Surrounded by love

For as we both grow
And deepen our love
As we both look
To the heavens above
We’ll journey together
Side by side
I’m so excited
To be on the ride

Surrounded by love
Surrounded by love
We are surrounded
Surrounded by love

Surrender to love
Surrender to love
I have surrendered
Surrendered to love